I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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