and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
