I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i think i just lost a toe
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
