my soul wont recognize me after tonight
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
