he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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