I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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