I accidentally had phone sex last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
