he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize