Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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