oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
