She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
