AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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