Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
