Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
