So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
