I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
