What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
