That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
