i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
