True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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