I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
