I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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