when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
