Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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