I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
