Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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