I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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