I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
