Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
