just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
