I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
