I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
