we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize