Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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