I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
