i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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