Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We have started to decorate penises.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
