11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
