Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
