Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
