my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
