but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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