Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
the liver wants what the liver wants
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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