Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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