apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
