Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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