i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
