first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
