My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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