Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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