I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
