"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
