i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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