You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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