I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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