My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
