Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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