Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
