you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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