I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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