it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
