Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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