doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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