Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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